Yes, I am racist. This may surprise you - how could I, a Bay Area progressive with a Black daughter, be racist? To clarify a bit, I'm not intentionally racist, and it took me some time to realize that I was racist. Here is how I figured it out.
In 2004 I traveled to Ethiopia. I had never been to Africa before, and it was a very interesting experience. When I got back to the Bay Area, I noticed something: I was now looking at Black people on the street differently than I had before. Before my trip, when I would see a white person on the street, I would often look closely at them, observing details like how they resembled someone I knew ("that guy looks like Joe"), or their ethnicity ("she looks Irish"), or just some distinctive facial feature ("oh, interesting eyebrows"). But when I saw a Black person on the street, I would just look at them enough to identify basic traits - nicely dressed older guy, heavy younger woman, teenager with hoody, etc. But after being in Ethiopia, I found myself looking more closely at Black people, observing them more like how I observed white people ("she looks Ethiopian").
But the thing that surprised me was that I had no idea that I had been looking at Black people differently than how I looked at white people. So I guess at that moment I "woke" to how I had been before. But I don't really like the word "woke" - it's not like I became the fucking Buddha or something- I just realized that I had been acting in a racist way. And given that I had had no clue that I was doing that, I figured I should check to see if I was still doing that in other ways.
The opportunity to do so came with a car. Specifically a black AMG-modified E-Class Mercedes sedan. (For those of you who are not car people, think of a nice, shiny black, medium size, slightly-fancier-looking-than-usual Mercedes sedan. It is an expensive but not particularly flashy car.) It was being driven by a young Black male, and the question that went through my head was: "How did he afford that car?" Almost immediately followed by an answer: "Drug dealer." Oops. I guess I am not so enlightened after all.
So the car became my new test - what story would pop into my head based on who I pictured driving the Mercedes? It was very interesting. Middle-aged white male - executive or finance or attorney. Well-groomed blonde woman in her 30s or early 40s - real estate agent or trophy wife (oops - sexist). Young South Asian male - tech. Young Chinese female - daddy bought it (oops). Casual young white guy - tech. Unusually large young black male - pro athlete. Hispanic male - works at dealership moving and washing cars (oops). Middle-aged or older Chinese of either gender - successful small business owner. Hispanic female - didn't even picture it (oops).
And it is really hard to make those stories go away - they just tend to pop up by themselves, despite my conscious knowledge that they are racist or sexist. I have taken implicit bias tests, which are designed to measure this kind of reaction, and according to those tests, I actually moderately favor Blacks over whites. But my own Mercedes test causes me to question those results, and to acknowledge what feels like my own unintentional racism.
I assume that these stories that pop into my head come from the societal context that I live in, even though that context is not overtly racist. I live in the Bay Area, and I don't recall my parents or teachers or friends conveying racist ideas. But the stories came from somewhere - probably news stories, movies, music, TV and radio. I don't really know what is going on in other peoples' heads, but I'm guessing that if I have these kinds of thoughts pop into my head, other Americans do as well. And if I wasn't really aware that they were there (just like how I didn't realize how I was looking differently at Black and white people), I'm guessing that other Americans are similarly oblivious.
This is why I question the validity of white Americans claiming to be "woke." The word may have had its origins as a description of trying to stay aware of racism - you are trying to be alert and pay attention to manifestations of racism or other prejudices (a good thing), but now it has the feeling of being used more to describe a state, like enlightenment. But one could have been a major asshole, realized it and became less of an asshole, but still an asshole. Reaching the state of minor asshole does not seem to justify publicly patting oneself on the back. Even if one becomes aware of one's past unconscious racism and takes steps to move away from it, can they be certain that all vestiges of racism are gone? My experience would indicate that the answer is "no." There could still be hidden racist thoughts floating around, and absent a trigger (like my Mercedes) they will likely remain both hidden and present.
Are you really sure that you are woke? I am pretty sure that I am not.
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